GENDER SPECIFIC COMMUNICATION
All of us have
multiple social identities that contribute to our sense of self or who we are. These identities are drawn from the various roles that we play in life such as friend, student, professional, spouse, parent, and so on.
Gender identity is one of the most fundamental of our social identities because it stems from the basic biological distinction between males and females.
As noted earlier, sex typically refers simply to the physiological categories of male and female, whereas gender refers to the socially defined attributes of masculinity and femininity. Because gender categories derive in part from the distinction between the sexes there is typically a strong correspondence between one's sex and one's gender identity. In other words, most men tend to be masculine and most women tend to be feminine. The two other gender types that we've presented in this report, androgynous and sex role transcendent have developed mainly because of how society has changed in the past several decades. In addition, men and women have begun to assume roles that were traditionally played by the other sex.
Communication is a central aspect of almost all relationships whether they are with family, friends, or romantic partners. Conversation is also one of the most common areas in which masculine and feminine styles are distinctive and potentially conflicting. Less is known about conversational styles of those who are androgynous or sex role transcendent because the available research in this area looks primarily at sex differences rather than gender differences. Based on Tickle's own research on gender, we can give you some idea of how each gender type communicates.
Stereotypical Male and Female Communication Styles
In the fields of
communication and
linguistics, the majority of research on gender specific communication has focused on
communication between men and women without considering the psychological aspect of gender identity. Although this research may not shed light on exactly how
androgynous (the integration of both masculine and feminine qualities) and
sex role transcendent types (not identifying strongly with masculine or feminine characteristics) converse, it can help us understand how men and women typically or stereotypically communicate. Since, as we've noted before, most men tend to be masculine and most women tend to be feminine, we can take from this a sense of how masculine and feminine types are likely to converse.
Prominent sociolinguist,
Deborah Tannen, notes that generally for men, "
conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others' attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure."
In contrast, women tend to approach the world "
as individuals in a network of connections...Conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others' attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation."
This does not mean that men don't care about establishing connections or that women don't care about achieving status; it means that these are not the central goals for men and women respectively. These very different approaches and goals can often lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
Communication Breakdown
When women express that they have trouble or difficulty with something, they are typically looking for understanding and sympathy in the form of a related experience. For example, when Laura told her friend Susan that she hadn't been sleeping well since her mother passed away and just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything, Susan said, "
I know. When my father died I was a wreck. I would forget to eat. I couldn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time, and when I did I had very vivid dreams about childhood memories of my father. It took a long time for that stuff to settle down and for me to feel somewhat normal again." Susan's response made Laura feel better.
When Laura told her boyfriend Jason about having trouble sleeping and concentrating, he said, "
Why don't you try taking sleeping pills for a while?" Jason's response upset Laura. She didn't feel that he was being understanding or empathetic. Some women may find that they are often frustrated when men do not respond to their problems with examples that show they can relate to the situation. They may resent the masculine tendency to offer solutions to a problem rather than a similar experience.
Who Talks More? Who Listens More?
Picture a married couple in the kitchen at breakfast circa 1950. She's at the stove cooking eggs and he comes into the room, kisses her on the cheek and sits down at the table. She starts telling him all the little details of what she has to do that day. He says, "
Uh huh." She brings their plates to the table and sets them down, asking, "
What are you up to today?" He's reading the paper. He says, "
Just the usual," and goes back to reading the paper. She's got her arms crossed over her chest and frowns at the back of his paper. The stereotype depicted in this scenario is that women or feminine types are constantly trying to get men or masculine types to open up and talk more.
Now, picture a casual cocktail party around 1970. A group of men and women are talking about politics. One man says there is no point in voting because all politicians are crooks. Another male at the party jumps in and says that some crooks are better than others. A third man argues that if you don't vote you've got no right to complain when the country starts going to "
hell in a hand basket!" The women listen attentively, some nod, but not one speaks up. In this image it is the men or masculine types who are dominating the conversation and the women or feminine types who are curiously quiet.
So which picture is true?
The answer is neither and both. These examples are based on stereotypes and as such are over-generalizations of real world behavior, so in this respect neither picture is completely true.
From another perspective, both are true. Research shows that in private settings women or feminine types tend to do more of the talking. In public settings however, men or masculine types talk more often and for longer periods.
Daniel spent the day with his friend Eric and when he got home his wife, Audrey, asked, "
What's new with Eric?" Daniel responded, "
Nothing."
Later it came out that Eric and his girlfriend had just gotten engaged. Audrey was upset and hurt that Daniel hadn't told her.
Audrey: When did he propose?
Daniel: Last Saturday.
Audrey: Where did he do it?
Daniel: I don't know; some restaurant I guess.
Audrey: Did he give her a ring or are they picking one out together?
Daniel: I don't know.
Audrey: Have they set a date?
Daniel: I don't know.
Audrey: Didn't you talk about it?
For some men, "
nothing" may be an automatic response at the start of a conversation. Also, men are often much less concerned with the small details than are women. From Audrey's perspective, Daniel was shutting her out. If Audrey had talked with Eric she would know the details about which she is asking, and she may find it hard to imagine that Daniel and Eric didn't discuss such details. Sharing the specifics of one's experience is an important aspect of the feminine communication style. It serves the goal of connection and intimacy. From the masculine perspective, these details simply aren't that important.
When the setting is public, the picture changes. Mark and Jessica have just met at a party, and they have the following conversation:
Jessica: So, what do you do?
Mark: I lead outdoor team-building groups.
Jessica: Wow, that must be a lot of fun.
Mark: It is. I love the physical part of it, but there's definitely a mental aspect as well. It's important to get the group to work together and for each person to feel that they're contributing to the group's success. When it all goes right each person feels that they've pushed their own physical abilities a little farther than they thought they could, and the group feels like more of a cooperative team where everyone has more trust and understanding for each other than they did when we started.
Jessica: Have you been doing this for a long time?
Mark: Well, I've done outdoor stuff all of my life. I didn't realize until after college that I could make a living doing something I loved so much.
Mark goes on to describe how he got into his field, and Jessica listens attentively.
Mark and Jessica are conversing with some common masculine and feminine styles. Men tend to give information; they typically believe that the best way to strike up a conversation is to come up with an interesting piece of information. Women, in contrast, tend to ask questions about the other person and to listen actively by nodding, smiling, and generally encouraging the person to whom they are listening.
Although we usually rely on the communication style that is consistent with our sex, it is possible to learn and use, occasionally, the other style. In private settings, men can try to offer more specifics to show a female partner that he feels connected to her. Women can try to accept that not sharing details may have nothing to do with how close or connected he feels to her. In public settings, men may be relieved to learn that they don't always need to bear the burden of making the conversation interesting and that it's okay to just listen. Women who find themselves too often in the role of listener can practice moving out of that position and putting forth ideas and opinions without waiting for someone to yield the floor.
Understanding What the Other Half Says
People with conversational styles that are highly masculine or highly feminine can benefit from learning each other's style. The masculine style teaches that conflict and difference need not necessarily be a threat to intimacy. The feminine style teaches that interdependence need not be a threat to freedom and independence.
Understanding the different ways that men and women use language makes it possible to change your own way of speaking, when you want to. But even without changing your style, simply understanding the different approaches can improve communication and relationships. When people realize that their conversation partner has a different communication style, they are better able to accept differences without blaming themselves, their partners, or their relationships. There is no one "right" way to talk, to listen, or to have a conversation.
When people don't see style differences for what they are, they may draw conclusions about personality ("
you're irrational," "
you're insensitive"), or about intentions ("
you don't care about me," "
you don't respect me"). When we understand that "
you have a different way of showing you care" or "
you're not trying to control me" there is room for adjustment or negotiation. You can ask for or make changes without assigning blame. Understanding the ways that people with different gender identities approach conversation can bridge the "
gender gap," and genuinely open the lines of communication.
